Relationships are different when neurodiversity is part of the picture – are “gold standard” couples counselling interventions still effective?
When one partner within a romantic relationship is neurodiverse (i.e., there is ADHD or autism in the picture), aspects of physical intimacy, emotional experiences, communication, and even certain life skills may differ between partners. These differences bring unique strengths and perspectives, but can also present particular challenges for the couple.
Executive functions—such as sustaining attention, engaging interest, getting started and completing tedious or administrative tasks, time awareness, planning, organization, regulating emotions, and forgetfulness —are central to how couples experience and navigate the rhythms and demands of daily life. It is these same abilities that can be challenging for individuals who are neurodiverse and misinterpretations of these underlying challenges as intentional or willful is common. If my partner cared enough, they would remember our anniversary and make a plan for us to celebrate, right? With neurodiversity in the picture, it isn’t quite that simple.
Differences in executive functioning can affect the adherence to routines, division of shared responsibilities, task follow-through, and how partners handle conflict or transitions. Navigating conflict may look different when neurodiversity is in the picture – sitting down and having a lengthy heart-to-heart conversation with sustained eye contact isn’t always an ADHD- or autism-friendly type of experience.
Most couples therapy will make reference to differences in attachment styles, learning to listen and ask for unmet emotional needs or practical support, avoiding making assumptions about your partner’s motivations or intentions, and the list goes on. However, the experience of a neurodiverse individual is fundamentally different and traditional assumptions by couples therapists don’t always hold up. For example, sensory profiles, including what is experienced as sensory overwhelm, should be explicitly spoken about and taken into consideration when supporting the couple in how to navigate their conflicts. Challenges with holding onto information during conversations due to distraction or working memory weaknesses shouldn’t be interpreted as a lack of caring.
For many neurodivergent people, expressing affection, interpreting social cues, and managing sensory sensitivities requires a lot of work at the best of times. In heated interactions with their romantic partners, it may just be beyond their bandwidth. The symptoms and challenges associated with ADHD or autism don’t just “go away” with emotional work and improved communication strategies. Maintaining bidirectional open, compassionate dialogue about boundaries, compromise, schedules, preferred ways of showing love, and emotional and physical preferences helps couples develop and maintain a foundation of understanding and respect.
Long-term romantic relationships shape who we are and who we become – we evolve and react to our partners. We react to their strengths and their areas of weakness. If we are better at setting up social plans, we take on the social planning. If we are better with cooking, we may take on the role of meal planner, grocery shopper and chef. Differentiation within a couple is healthy, but something to pay particular attention to when neurodiversity is present in a relationship are those underlying differences in executive functions or sensory sensitivities. What starts out as a harmless way to accommodate your partner may shift to fueling feelings of resentment, shame, guilt, defensiveness, avoidance, profound anger or inadequacy. Exploring and factoring in how neurodiversity impacts each partner within the couple as well as how the couple functions as a dyad shouldn’t be overlooked in couples therapy.