Parenting Differently: Embracing Intercultural Influences and Finding Your Own Way
Parenting is a journey shaped by our past and inspired by our hopes for our children’s future. Many of us ask, “Should I raise my children the same way I was raised?” Some of us don’t ask and we just catch ourselves parenting similarly to how we were parented. In Canada’s multicultural and globally connected society, parenting differently isn’t just about breaking familial patterns or generational differences in knowledge—it’s also about weaving together threads from various cultures and perspectives. This approach invites us to reflect critically on our parenting instincts, challenge old norms, collaborate and incorporate our partner’s family influences, while we forge a new path with lessons, values and traditions we want to take with us.
Why Challenge Old Patterns?
Our parents did their best within their cultural context, guided by traditions, values, and the social norms of their time. Yet as society has evolved and more cultures intertwine in Canada, our perspectives on what children need to thrive has changed. Information about best parenting practices is hard to miss. The information parents are provided with now about sleep, emotions, self-esteem, independence, safety, nutrition, exercise and screens (just to name a few) is above and beyond what our parents knew back when they were parenting. The access to information and entertainment that children and teens have today presents new challenges that our parents just didn’t have to the same extent. Although there are some lessons from previous generations that are worth holding onto, I would argue that parenting today is quite different.
Identifying What You Want to Change and What You Want to Keep
Reflecting on what elements of your upbringing are important to carry forward and having an open dialogue with your partner about this is key. Some of us were raised with the view that “children are seen, not heard.” Some of us were encouraged to engage in open conversations with our parents and other adults. Some of us were raised with strict rules and harsh consequences, while some of us were given more of a voice in our choices and learned from natural consequences. Some of us were held to high standards to be our best selves, while some of us were praised for our efforts to sustain our motivation. Some of us were raised with an emphasis on individualistic thinking, while some of us were raised with the goal of perpetuating harmony. Some of us were raised to prioritize academic and career success, while some of us were raised to prioritize social connection and relationships. If possible, taking a trip back in time with your parents can be helpful to learn why they made the choices they did as your parent. However, ongoing dialogue with your partner and observing how your children are responding to your parenting choices as they develop is the only way forward.
Canadian Considerations
Canada’s multicultural population and emphasis on inclusivity means that more couples are co-parenting while juggling intercultural influences. Making sense of different expectations from different cultures isn’t actually problematic for children. Children are expert learners and can adapt to different environments. There is also something wonderfully adaptive about children who are exposed to multiple cultures from a young age. What can become problematic is when intercultural influences run counter to each other and the parents find themselves at odds with each other about how to raise their children. These situations require courageous communication, viewing our own upbringings with a critical lens, having an openness to adopting foreign parenting approaches, and sometimes choosing to create a new way to parent with our partner that works for our children in this multicultural landscape.
Balancing not just generational differences but also intercultural influences will likely bring questions or self-doubt. Extended family members and adult siblings might be unfamiliar or disapproving of your parenting choices, or you may feel uncertain navigating your new path with your partner and children. Seeking professional parenting support can increase confidence in your choices and allow for the opportunity to re-assess and revisit how you’re parenting. After all, children don’t come with instruction manuals. Even if they did, I don’t think there is one that has been written yet that quite captures the challenges that intercultural couples are facing right now when it comes to parenting.