Harnessing the Power of Play as a Parent
Parenting young children can be full of joyous moments, but it also brings its fair share of challenges and stressful moments—especially when it comes to managing oppositional or challenging behaviour in moments when you just don’t have the time! Many parents find themselves facing battles over everything from getting out of bed in the morning all the way until bedtime. While it’s natural to feel frustrated, one effective approach is often overlooked: play.
Let me paint a picture:
I say, “Emma… it’s time for bed. Please go upstairs and get your PJs on.”
Emma does not reply.
I say, “Emma… it’s time for bed. Please go upstairs and get your PJs on. I already asked you once.”
Still no reply.
I get down on Emma’s level on the ground and say, “Emma, did you hear me?”
Emma replies without looking up at me and with an irritated tone in her voice, “I did, but I just need to finish this card for Sam.”
I sigh and take a step back then switch my approach.
I say enthusiastically, “Okay, but I want to play hide and seek. I am going to hide upstairs in your room and you come find me. I have a really good hiding spot this time! Start counting!”
Emma puts down her marker, closes her eyes and starts counting quickly, “1-2-3-4-5…. 20. Here I come!”
Emma runs upstairs into her room to come and find me hiding behind the door. She squeals and I laugh, while I also close the door behind me gently. She is now in her room and we can get to work on her bedtime routine after sharing a laugh.
Emma is 4.5 years old.
Why Play Works
Play is the language of childhood. It engages children emotionally, cognitively, and physically, helping them process the world around them. When parents use play as a tool, they not only diffuse tension but also build strong relationships. Playful interactions can reduce stress for both child and parent and can also be a more efficient strategy to help children with transitions and side-step power struggles altogether.
But shouldn’t I be teaching my kids how to be responsible and independent?
Yes, but that is a marathon and not a sprint. Lecturing is unlikely to help you in a pinch to get them out the door or diffuse tears at bedtime. And once they are older, they won’t listen to what you have to teach them if they don’t feel connected to you. Being playful and teaching them to be responsible are not mutually exclusive. Meeting your child where they are at developmentally is key to connection. Kids have a very poorly developed sense of time or consequences until age 5-7 when they start to understand what “today” and “tomorrow” really mean. It’s only by age 9-11 when learning to tell time and planning their actions accordingly comes online more robustly. You can’t convince a 4-year-old that being late for something is rude or disrespectful – their concept of what’s rude is… well… that of a 4-year-old.
What if I don’t know how to play?
Time is a scarcity among parents and we are busy using our maturely developed Executive Functions to their max what feels like 24/7. As adults, we are typically expected to act in non-childish ways. Switching the script may feel uncomfortable. Some parents will tell me they aren’t good at being silly or playful. They feel self-conscious or think it’s boring or... they just don’t know how to do it. That’s okay. There are so many ways to parent and being silly or playful isn’t everyone’s natural go-to. Learning HOW to play as a parent can be approached as a skill. It may take practice and some research to find ideas that are a good fit for you and your child. You can always ask your child for ideas too – after all, kids really are the experts at playing!
Practical Play Strategies for Children Ages 3+:
Tickle monster – you turn into the tickle monster to get them upstairs for bedtime or out the door for school. They are only “safe” if they are getting PJs on or getting winter gear on.
Can you walk like this? – ask them to copy your silly walk upstairs for bath time, or challenge them to walk to the car sideways. Or get them to do a walk that you then need to copy.
Opposites morning – today is opposites morning and whatever you say, they must do the opposite. “Whatever you do, do not eat that breakfast that is on the table… do not take a single bite!” [React in an astonishing way if they do take a bite etc…]
Copy cat game – invite them to copy your gestures as they get dressed, brush their teeth, etc. Don’t forget to take turns so they get the chance for you to copy them once you’ve got them a few steps along in their routine or a few bites into their meal.
Hide and seek – you hide strategically in the place you want them to go OR you hide little stuffies/toys in the room you want them to get into.
Ride horsey ride – if you’re physically up for it, invite them for a ride on your back as a way to transport them to their next destination (their room, the back door to get ready, etc.).
Fantasy play (of any kind really) – pretending to add sparkles, glitter, magical powers, power boosts, pretending to be robots, or any other kind of imaginary play can make everyday tasks more fun for kids and put a pep in their step. Pretending to wind your child up to give them a “power boost” works especially well for walking places.
Surprise me - you close your eyes and… when you open them, you have to guess what they made disappear off their dinner plate. OR you have to guess which clothing item they have put on.
Taste-tester - have them close their eyes and guess which food item from their dinner you put in their mouth (once it gets too easy, combine the foods and have them guess the different combinations)
Scavenger hunt on the walk/drive to school – how many dogs will we see today?
Races – of any kind really. However, with siblings, this can lead to bickering and arguing, so use carefully!
Records – invite them to beat their own records for getting ready in the morning, how long it takes them to fall asleep, etc. Try to somewhat keep track and share your amazement when they beat one of their bests.
Silly dancing – seeing their own parent do a ridiculous dance of some kind is usually enough of a reward for most kids to get through their tasks. The sillier you make it, the more effective it will be the next time you offer.
Bonus time – if they rush through their routines, they just might get some bonus free time. Beware of this one though, because there is still a transition from bonus time to whatever comes next, but it can help kids get out of an oppositional mindset.
Escape the [fill-in-the-blank animal/fictitious creature] – whether it’s an octopus with 8 tentacle arms that tickle or a big roaring lion, the idea of rushing to escape some type of animal usually results in squealing and rushing children. Don’t make it too scary though for the young ones!
Match day tomorrow - all family members need to wear one same-coloured item of clothing the next day and we pick out our outfits the night before
King or Queen – take turns giving instructions (put on your best fancy voice and ask if they want to be the butler – courtesy of Bluey). When you can, switch the roles so it isn’t always one way. The funny voice or accent is necessary because otherwise you’re just parenting as usual. Making the requests a bit over the top also helps.
Making mealtimes playful – fancy attire, magic sunglasses, playing restaurant, etc. Sometimes kids engage and eat more when they are having fun. And who doesn’t like it when their children act like waiters and clear the plates?!